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I hate boys.

Quite the opening statement huh? Truth is i don’t really hate boys…. I just severely dislike the ones that i seem to be encountering. I think what I’m the most upset about is that I NEVER planned to still be on the dating market at this point in my life… Even though I’m only 22 I planned to be tied down by now, have graduated, hopefully starting a new job and in about 6 years be engaged and in 9 years have a child.

But none of that is reality and it’s all HIS fault! Oh “him” the infamous “He who shall remain nameless” Most of the time the “he” who we women speak of doesn’t even really exist or at least he doesn’t know how important he has become to us. But in this case “He” is real, “He” does exist, or at least he did. He is, or was Matthew. And HE passed away in a car accident on June 2, 2013. He was mine, and I was his, and we belonged to each other and I knew that WE would be. And now this is starting to sound more poetic than intended but when Matt, when He, passed away in a car accident on a Sunday night, I was mad at HIM, we hadn’t spoken in about two weeks, but it wasn’t that big of a deal because WE had gone longer without talking… Some way WE always made up… lol if you know what i mean. When I got the call, that HE, that Matt was in a car accident i assumed that HE was fine, and would be fine, and WE would be fine, even though at the time WE weren’t fine, regardless WE would be…. But HE wasn’t. Matt wasn’t fine, and I wasn’t fine, and I wouldn’t be fine for a very long time.

To say that “you never know what you have until it’s gone” is a understatement that took on a whole new meaning at 11:06 pm on Sunday June 2, 2013 because in the four years that I knew Him, that i yearned for him, that i was so attracted to him. I never wanted Matt more than at the moment that i knew I could never have HIM again.

But this isn’t a sad post so I’ll move on. It’s been a little over two months since i lost HIM. No other man will ever be able to posses the title of “HIM” like “HE” did. But I’m still out there, trying to date, trying to make the dream come true. I still can be married in six years. I can still have the kid in 9 years. But for real, who knew the dating pool was so shallow?! (Lol Can i just point out that i am killing the metaphors today?!)

It’s almost another tragedy in itself. “You lose the one man you never got to tell you loved only to never love again” Lol It’s like some cheesy romance novel with the long haired men on the front! I want to date again! I’m almost certain I’m ready to get out there but…These guys are making me wanna walk back inside and lock all the doors.

I know i can’t spend the rest of my life looking at Matt’s picture. But on the other side of the coin I can’t see myself standing next to another man in a picture.